Who Am I to Write A Book?

So I smashed through my goal of selling a total of 12 books, mostly thanks to one crazed fan buying multiple copies. With the royalty windfall I was not only able to get my cheap bottle of wine but ordered a custom t-shirt with Loren’s phantom on it. Success is sweet.

So what’s with me writing a book? It mostly stems from reading so many shitty books over the years, some with great reviews and even being turned into movies for some unimaginable reason. An overdose of popular literary dogshit led me to write and compile my own book. I’m happy to name names. “The Dinner”. I read it. I hear it’s getting made into a movie. I don’t get it. Four people having dinner. It wasn’t interesting. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t exciting. It was nothing. Yet it sold and now will be an uninteresting, unfunny, unexciting movie.

Let’s shoot for a low-hanging fruit. “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I read it. Once finished I raced over to Amazon as I felt it a responsibility to tell the world how steamy this shit-pile was. But once there, I’d seen everything I was going to say was said a thousand times before me by other reviewers. The atrocious writing. The phrases “She Blushes” or “She Flushes” used 125 times. The character, a 20-year old orphan, self-made billionaire, can fly a helicopter, play the piano, shoot laser beams from his dick. Millions sold. Shitty movie.

Stephen King. I grew up reading SK. I recently suffered through the first book in “The Gunslinger” series. Nothing worse than finding yourself trying to finish a book for the sake of finishing a book and not out of any enjoyment. I give him a slight pass as it was written very early in his career. The series is probably good but I’ll never know as that first book was so devoid of anything interesting, it crushed any and all ambition of attempting to read further into the series.

“The Purge of Babylon” series. It’s like 9 books long and I’ve been reading them. They’re at least easy to read and are entertaining but the dialogue is so mediocre. Just strings of one and two word sentences which strongly feel like attempts to fill pages and nothing else. And the author repeats the same phrases over and over and over throughout every single book. If you were to remove the phrase “Dead, not stupid” from the series, he’d lose half a book.

So yes, after seeing the successes of vapid, boring, poorly written literary turds, I got inspired knowing I too could write something vapid, boring and poorly written. So birthed The Phantom Paradigm. Now I got a t-shirt. Got a mousepad coming too.